Field Of Innocence
by Yanagi-sen
Summary: What drives a person like Nicol to be a pilot? Why would one so gentle, be willing to kill?


**_Field Of Innocence_**

by Yanagi-sen

Gundam Seed songfic

Usual disclaimers and all that. Song is by Evanescence, characters belong to the all powerful Gundam gods, I just borrow them for my amusement. I'll put them back when I'm done, honest. Well, maybe not Nicol, but since they didn't seem to really want him anyways, I don't think they will mind.

Warnings: mild angst, maybe a few spoilers for the first half dozen eps or so, but not much.

**_I still remember the world / From the eyes of a child_**

Nicol was practically bouncing. "Are we there yet?" His father rolled his eyes and the young boy ducked his head, a little ashamed. Father wanted him to be good, but it was so hard! He was going to see his cousins, and aunt and uncle on Unis 7! He got to go to a whole other colony!!! A hand ran through his curly hair.

"Yes, Nicci, we're almost there. So you better get buckled back up for landing."

"Yes, mama."

The shuttled docked without incident and Nicol was about the first to unbuckle his restraint and push himself up out of his seat. He giggled a bit as he floated in the low gravity. Mama grabbed his arm and handed him his bag. "Here dear, now follow your father." She gave him a gentle push towards the door.

Nicol was slightly disappointed. Unis 7 looked just like his home colony. He had been hoping it would be… different somehow. Then he spied his oldest cousin and after a quick glance to Mama for permission… ran full tilt, crashing into her. He had only a week to visit with them; he wasn't going to waste any time.

----

(several years later)

Father was home for dinner… that was a change. Nicol left the piano and softly padded down the hall to where he could hear his parents' voices. His father was away from home more than he was there lately, busy with ZAFT affairs. The young man was torn between wanting to join the military cadet academy to hopefully be closer to his father, and going to the music conservatory like his mother wanted. Surely there had to be a way to keep everyone happy.

Dinner was pleasant; for once there was no discussion of the tensions with Earth or Nicol's future education. Mama told them about the letter she had received from her sister on Unis 7; Nicol's oldest cousin had just had her first child, a girl, and named her Nicolette after their favorite musician. The boy blushed, but he loved his cousin Marie very much. He loved all his cousins and wished he got to see them more often.

"Mama, Father… after the concert next month, when the spring holiday starts, can I go visit them?"

His parents looked at each other… then his father shrugged. "As long as your grades are sufficient…"

"FATHER?!"

They laughed at him. Nicol's grades had always been excellent. Not the top of the class, but certainly respectable. Except in music… no one was his equal in that area.

"Of course you can go. That's a wonderful idea. You haven't been to visit them in a couple years. I'll write your Aunt Chelsea and see if that is okay."

"Thank you, Mama, Father."

When dinner was done, the family sat down together to watch the vid broadcast. Nicol sat with his mother, not really interested, just happy that the family could be together for a change. His father was in his usual seat, reading reports in between headlines. The newscaster was going on again about the tensions with Earth, but how the leaders of both groups were close to reaching a peace treaty…

Nicol was mentally going through some of the tougher sections of the sonata he was going to be playing when a special report flashed across the screen.

The day would come to be known in PLANT as 'The Bloody Valentine'.

**_Slowly those feelings / Were clouded by what I know now_**

Nicol knew he wasn't the only one to sign up for the academy in the wake of the tragedy. There were several young women and men in line with the slightly strained look of one trying to fight tears. He choked back his own and moved forward with the line. There had been a lot of tears in the Amalfi household over the past two weeks. His mother had been close to her sister, and the blow hit her hard. Nicol was doubly saddened by the fact that he'd never even seen tiny Nicolette in person. He kept a copy of the only surviving picture of her and Marie in his wallet.

"What's your name, son?"

He looked up… he'd reached the front of the line and one of the recruiters was beckoning to him. Nicol stepped up to the man and pulled out his identification. "Nicol Amalfi, sir."

The man nodded taking his id. "Amalfi… any relation?"

"My father."

"Ah. You're a bit young… but we'll take you. Here's your paperwork. Go inside, find a free desk and fill it out. Included is a basic aptitude test. When you're done, hand it to the sergeant inside and you'll get a temporary room assignment. After you've been assessed, you'll be moved to quarters in your new department. Understood, cadet?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then good luck. Next…"

The boy grabbed his bag and the papers and headed inside. Mama had NOT been happy with his decision. He knew she harbored some hope that he would be found unsatisfactory for some reason. But Nicol HAD to do this. He had to protect PLANT.

----

When the orders came… he was shocked. Nicol had been selected for pilot training. He'd never guessed he'd get picked for that. He figured he'd get stuck with a desk job somewhere, due to his mother's 'connections'. She was definitely NOT going to be happy. Father would be though… and Nicol was happy because of that.

The basic training for all ZAFT personnel, from mechanic to officer, was the same. Morning classes were held in huge lecture halls, covering topics like pre-colonial and PLANT history, basic military knowledge, the special genetics of coordinators, and other topics that seemed much like core educational classes everywhere. Afternoons were spent in specialized courses. Nicol had classes in navigation, computers, astrophysics, and hours upon hours in simulators. For now, the distinction between shuttle and warrior pilots hadn't been made and they all took the basic classes together. Instructors had started to note some of them however and when they were broken up into groups, Nicol found himself with the same cadets more often than not.

Rusty, Athrun, Isaac, Diakka and himself; their group seemed to be special in some way. They were pushed harder, faster, and longer than the others. They also were having classes in mechanical engineering and weaponry, and Nicol's least favorite, combat. He was younger and smaller than the rest and in their martial arts classes, seemed to end up tossed around more than the others. He really disliked getting paired up with Isaac… the pale-haired teen seemed to be perpetually angry and he got easily frustrated with Nicol's lack of skill. Athrun was much better, more patient, showing the smaller boy what he was doing wrong. Nicol found himself looking at the other boy as the elder brother he'd never had.

After nearly a year… they were all subjected to the military's version of examination hell. The tests, physical, practical, and written were grueling. They'd been cramming for weeks before and Nicol had been forced to ask his father to reassure his mother that he WAS eating and sleeping and would come to see her when he could. But in the end, the results had been posted.

In nearly all areas, Athrun Zala had come out on top. Not a big shock, much to Isaac's ire, he'd come in second. The big surprise, even to himself, was that Nicol was firmly in third! He'd been last in their group for the combat tests, but in every other category he was at least third. He'd even beat out everyone else, including Athrun in strategical assessment.

Their orders came in the following week. The five of them were being transferred to the command of Raoul Kruze.

**_Where has my heart gone_**

Kruze… the man was a legend, and not just because no one had ever admitted to seeing his face. His origins were shadowy, as far as all databases were concerned, he had no past, didn't exist. But there he was. Nicol was awed by the mere presence of this man. This warrior, for in spite of the fact Kruze was an officer and a leader, he was still very much a warrior in all respects. And his command of language… he had the ability to inspire.

The five raw pilots were not the only ones newly assigned to Kruze's command, but they were the favored ones. But surprisingly, there was very little envy from the others. Rumors were flying about how THEY were going to be assigned to a very secret, very dangerous mission. Nicol was sure his mother would have a fit. After the initial welcome, they were handed off to the seniors of their divisions. Miguel showed them to their new quarters. They would be paired up, but that was certainly better than the general berths that most of the crew lived in. Pilots were a pampered lot, because what they did was so difficult, physically and mentally.

Nicol found himself rooming with their sempai. Miguel was funny, seeming to regard the youngest recruit as a little brother in need of his guidance. The boy didn't mind at all. Their training entered a new phase as they were introduced to the pride of ZAFT's military technology, mobile suits. Intellectually they knew the suits weren't toys… but they were still young enough to get a thrill out of piloting the massive machines. It was NOTHING like piloting a shuttle, or even mobile armor. The responsiveness, the sheer power under their control…

Then they were sent on a relatively minor escort mission… one that was ambushed by OMNI forces. And then Nicol learned the harsh truths…

Mobile suits were not toys. They were not merely machines. And all that power was for one purpose and one purpose only.

To kill.

The battle was short, and if OMNI had possessed mobile suits, with the mistakes the rookie pilots made, they would have been killed several times over. But in the end ZAFT was victorious. They had all drawn blood, and with those deaths…

Something in Nicol's heart died that day.

**_An uneven trade for the real world_**

He wasn't stupid enough to question orders out loud, but in the silences of his heart, Nicol wondered. Defending themselves, that was right and just. Even when they killed those OMNI forces that ambushed the convoy… that had been in defense, the enemy had attacked first. But this new assignment. To go into a declared neutral colony and steal the Eurasian Forces prototype mobile suits? Of course they would try to keep the suits. This was putting Nicol and his team in the position of attackers… not defenders.

That was not something the young man was comfortable with.

Kruze had gone on and on about offensive defense and from a purely strategic point of view, Nicol could agree with him. But this was Heliopolis… Orb's colony… they were neutral, the colony wasn't a military target, it was full of civilians. Was attacking this colony any better than what was done nearly a year ago?

His fingers ghosted over the pocket that held the slightly battered photo of his cousin and namesake.

Nicol shut his locker and sealed his suit. It was far too late to question. Questioning would get him killed. He followed the others out and to their transport. Isaac seemed to be taking temporary command of their unit. He and Athrun had a long standing rivalry that tended to come out in these moments. But the dark-haired pilot seemed to be accepting of the arrangement, for now. He and Rusty split off to locate the two missing units. The soldiers guarding the suit transports were shortly neutralized by their team's support troops and the three pilots slid into the waiting suits.

He buckled the restraints and started to boot the onboard computers, glancing around the cockpit. These new suits were definitely a step ahead in terms of technology; Nicol could see why ZAFT was so anxious to get them. But their OS sucked. He inserted the disk holding the temporary programs they were going to use until they reached the safety of the mothership and could actually work on the suits. Isaac was already yelling at him, Nicol rolled his eyes.

"Just a minute…" There. He activated the controls and the GAT-X207 Blitz stood.

**_I want to go back to / Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all_**

Watching from the ship as Heliopolis crumbled and fell apart, Nicol questioned again. It wasn't supposed to have happened like that. They were just supposed to have infiltrated, stolen the suits, damaged the new prototype ship, and left. The colony itself wasn't supposed to have been harmed. This was… this was awful.

Isaac was laughing at something Diakka had said. Nicol glared at the pale-haired pilot out of the corner of his eye. It wasn't funny. People had died. Rusty and Miguel had been killed. Non-combatants had been hurt and lost their homes and livelihood. It wasn't funny at all.

Noticing that Athrun was missing, the younger pilot left the observation deck and went looking for his friend. He found the dark-haired teen sitting on his bed, staring across the room at Rusty's empty bunk. All that lay on the neatly made mattress was a small box, and a folded uniform. "Athrun?"

"Hey, Nicci… you okay?" The pilot looked up at him, eyes checking him over, expression sad.

"I'm fine. You?"

"I'll be alright." Athrun looked away, staring off at the wall.

"His stuff?"

"Will be sent back to his family."

"Ah." There was something else. Nicol knew that Athrun and Rusty had been close friends, but it seemed like something else was going on. "Athrun… is something wrong?"

"You mean besides losing Rusty and Miguel." Athrun's voice was dull.

"Yeah." He felt uncomfortable, standing in the doorway the way he was. He still had to go back and pack up Miguel's stuff if no one else had gotten to it.

"I can't talk about it right now."

"Will you tell me, when you can."

"Yeah." Taking that as a dismissal, Nicol stepped back and let the door close. With a heavy heart he headed for his own room, and the sad task waiting for him there.

**_I still remember the sun / Always warm on my back / Somehow it seems colder now_**

Something inside of him felt tight, frozen. Watching Isaac shoot that shuttle…

He rolled over on his bed, again. Sleep seemed unable to come tonight. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw that shot. It was just wrong. The vessel had been withdrawing, abandoning a dying ship, and to shoot them down like that. A shuttle doesn't have defenses, it doesn't have weapons. They could have simply been offloading the injured.

He twisted again. Watching Isaac and Diakka get trapped in the planet's gravity and hurtling down in balls of fire hadn't been a pleasant sight either. They had received confirmation that they had survived, but the pale pilot had been injured. The rest of Kruze's squadron had been recalled. Athrun had assured Nicol that he wouldn't have to report before the committee that governed PLANT, for which he was very grateful. Having to stand before his father… that wasn't something Nicol wanted to do, because he was having some serious doubts about this war, and his role in it.

----

Playing the piano was a soothing balm to his uncertain soul. Taking advantage of the short leave he'd been given, Nicol managed to cobble together a recital, the last he needed to perform for his conservatory requirements. The rest of his studies would have to be put on hold until after the war was over and he was discharged from service. He was a little hurt that his father hadn't come, but Athrun had. It meant a lot to the younger pilot that the dark-haired teen had taken time out of his own leave to come listen to him.

He finished packing his bag to report back to the ship. He could hear his mother in the next room, complaining to his father again. Nicol rolled his eyes. She wasn't giving up, she didn't want him fighting. He loved his mother dearly, but this wasn't something he could just abandon. There was a little room left in his pack. He looked at the folder of music. These were the pieces he hadn't felt confident playing in the recital, not having had sufficient time to prepare. He knew there was a battered keyboard in one of the recreation rooms on the ship. And they were heading for Earth; bases usually had some instrument somewhere. On a whim, he stuffed the folder in his bag and closed it. Even if he only looked it over in the privacy of his bunk at night… it would be a refuge of sorts.

His mother's voice suddenly cut off. Father must have hung up on her again. Nicol sighed. His father had changed. The politics and military had changed him, and not for the better. His father had always been a little distant, but he missed the man he had known as a small child. He missed the man that had been his father before the war. He didn't know if it was really the war that had changed the man, or the man who had changed and was now affecting the war. But he was sad to realize, he didn't know his father anymore.

**_Where has my heart gone / Trapped in the eyes of a stranger_**

Nicol carefully hung his uniform up in his locker, and then fastened his flight suit. He hadn't had a chance to completely stow his gear yet, his folder of music was still stuffed in his locker. He fingered the pages for a moment. It was amazing, a few dots and lines and from it the most beautiful sounds could be created. Something so beautiful coming from something so simple. He listened to Isaac complaining again. The pale pilot was a man obsessed. He HAD to get the enemy, had to pay them back for the scar on his face. Nicol thought it was a little excessive and maybe even a little on the psychotic side. The scar could be fixed, easily, but Isaac refused to do so. His anger was still fueling him, and since the pilot of Strike had yet to be captured or killed, the infuriated ZAFT warrior had to take it out on everyone around him.

The young pilot sighed. Athrun was good at fending off Isaac, about all Nicol could do was ignore the nasty comments and little cuts. He caught sight of himself in the small mirror hanging on the wall. There was something, different in his eyes. Something, older maybe. Something was missing from his face, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Frowning, he pulled out the two pictures he always carried with him into battle.

Marie… and tiny Nicolette. His cousin looked so happy, filled with such joy, delighted to be a mother. And his little namesake, so tiny and perfect. He wished he'd been able to see her in person at least once. He flipped the small plastic sleeve over to see a picture of himself with his mother. Mama. There was no doubt they were related. Her hair was darker, but they had the same eyes, same shape to the face. He glanced up at the mirror again. Maybe that was it; his face looked a bit thinner. He didn't think he'd lost weight, the doctors wouldn't let him pilot if he did, he was barely on the scale as it was. Maybe he was just growing up.

No, it was the eyes that were different… the eyes of a stranger. Eyes that had lost, something…

"Hey, 'scared fool', stop dreaming about your mommy, it's time to go."

Nicol rolled his eyes. Athrun was yelling at Isaac but it was hopeless. He tucked his pictures back into the pocket over his heart and grabbed his helmet, shutting his locker. "Athrun, don't worry about it. Let's go."

**_I want to go back to / Believing in everything_**

-Owari-

AN: I'm very intrigued by Nicol… Athrun, Isaac, Diakka, even Kira; I can see why they are involved. But Nicol? Why is he a fighter? I look forward to exploring his character more in the future, in addition to my personal AU where ep 29 doesn't quite happen the same way.


End file.
